I haven’t posted for a while and I couldn’t decide which of my partially written posts I should complete first, so I decided to start with a general update, to let you know what’s been going on in my life the past few months. One of the benefits of my blog, I’ve discovered, is it saves me energy when I communicate with friends, we don’t have to begin the ‘what have you been up to’ conversation from scratch, if they’ve read my blog. So if I write regular general updates, this will update everyone (who’s interested) in one go, and save me from having to have the same conversation over and over again.
The reason that I haven’t posted anything since February is that I’ve had a really bad few months. My trip to Iceland (see Post Twenty Three. Wheelchair’s First Holiday.) and my screening of Unrest (see Post Twenty Four. Unrest In Peebles.) caused me to relapse. Four months later and I’m still not back to my pre-Iceland levels of ME. I’m managing much less, and I already couldn’t do much, and it takes far less exertion to cause me to crash these days. So I haven’t managed to write much on here, not on top of feeding myself, cleaning myself, getting to counselling and the doctor, which have had to be my priorities.
I also had a huge dip in my depression and anxiety a couple of months ago. I was experiencing frequent panic attacks, I had a constant sense of fear, my mood was incredibly low, and it was having a huge impact on my ME symptoms. I’ve been on and off anti-depressants since 2016, trying to find something that I don’t react badly to (I’m extremely sensitive to medications since having ME). In September last year I started a new one, Bupropion. My GP and I decided I would stay on the lowest dose for a few months before increasing, to give my body time to get used to it. It was during this especially difficult period a couple of months ago that we decided, in the hope it would help me through it, to increase the Bupropion dosage. Unfortunately though, in order to increase the Bupropion, I had to stop taking Amitriptyline, also technically an anti-depressant, but I take it at a low dose as a migraine preventative. The two interact when either are taken at a higher dosage, but due to the severity of my depression at this time, I decided I had to try.
So I phased out the Amitriptyline, and then increased the Bupropion. I knew I would experience the side effects of increasing the Bupropion, I did when I first started it, and the first two weeks both times were absolute hell. As the side effects of the increased Bupropion dosage wore off, I began to realise just how much the Amitriptyline had been doing for me. I already knew how effective it was at reducing the frequency of my migraines, from two or three per week, to two per month. I hoped it wouldn’t happen, but when I stopped, the almost daily migraines returned. It always takes me a few days to recover from a migraine, and when they occur this close together, I basically never have a day off, so I spent a few weeks feeling constantly migrainey. I also stopped sleeping, I did suspect that Amitriptyline helped me sleep, but I guess I’d forgotten, it turns out, in combination with another couple of supplements, it’s essential for me.
One of the benefits I hadn’t known about was how it appeared to help me during my period. Since having ME, I developed Endometriosis (a common occurrence for women with ME), and my period went from being pretty average, to being the most dreaded, painful and generally worst week of the month. Each period caused my ME to relapse, all my ME symptoms worsened considerably. My period itself also became heavier, far far more painful with utterly debilitating cramps (ten out of ten on the pain scale), it made me nauseous and dizzy, and my bladder and guts would join the party too, it was horrendous all round, and I was looking at a possible hysterectomy. But then, thanks to a combination of meds and supplements, it became far more manageable, nowhere near my pre-ME periods, but a lot better. So I was not prepared for my first period after stopping Amitryptyline to be the worst one of my life so far. As well as the worsening of my ME symptoms, migraines, nausea etc, I had cramps so bad that they caused me to double over in agony while walking down the stairs, and resulted in me falling down the stairs, thankfully I wasn’t hurt as I was near the bottom anyway. I decided immediately that I wanted the Amitriptyline back.
So I’m now back on my usual dose of Amitryptyline, 25mg does it for me. Which of course meant I had to either drop back to the lower Bupropion dose, or stop it altogether. I decided to stop altogether, it wasn’t doing anything for me at the lower dose, so there was no point staying on it. I’ve now been back at my normal Amitriptyline dose for two weeks, and have only had one almost-migraine since, the longest I went with no migraine during those horrible few weeks was three days. After much discussion, my GP and I have come to the conclusion that due to my sensitivity to meds, I’m done with anti-depressants, the side effects are too severe, and they mess with my other meds, and none that I have tried so far have worked. So that’s that. I have Diazepam for when my anxiety gets really severe, but when it comes to depression I’m going to have to deal with it unmedicated, which terrifies me, because I fear that it could kill me. But there’s nothing more I can do, other than continue with counselling, keep trying to find things to look forward to, and keep fighting for ME health equality.
An Upsetting Discovery
I wrote in a previous post (Post Eleven. From Healthy To Not Healthy.) about a doctor I saw at the Western General Hospital in Edinburgh in 2015…
I saw the ME/Infectious Diseases doctor at the Western General in mid-May. I suppose, being honest, he didn’t really have much in the way of new or useful information for me, but, he listened to me. He gave me an hour and a half to talk. I don’t think I can put into words how good it felt to finally have a medical professional with a knowledge of ME actually listen to me, and believe me, to show me understanding and compassion. We went through my entire medical, and life history. We also bonded over a love of Icelandic music! He too confirmed my diagnosis of ME. All he could have suggested was that I attend the Astley Ainslie ME Service, which I had already been referred to so there was really nothing more he could do. But he helped me enormously, like I said, he was the first example of a doctor who truly believed me and who acknowledged what a devastating and life-changing illness ME is. I really don’t think anyone can understand the importance of this, not until you’ve been there yourself.
In February I discovered something really shocking and upsetting. You’ll have to have some understanding of the PACE Trial in order to understand this, (see my previous post Post Seventeen. The PACE Trial Scandal.). I found out that the doctor I saw, the doctor who I praised, was a co-author of the PACE Trial, he ran the Scottish leg of the Trial. Despite all the evidence to the contrary, this doctor strongly believes that ME is a psychosomatic illness. He believes that we, people with ME, simply ‘believe’ that we have a physiological illness. From speaking to other patients of his, it seems he does take us seriously, and he does want to alleviate unnecessary suffering, he believes ME is a real illness, he believes that we suffer, but he does not believe that ME is a neuro-immune illness, he believes it’s a psychiatric condition. He believes that we have ‘false illness beliefs’, that we simply have a fear of exercise, and that we can overcome these beliefs with Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), then we can undergo Graded Exercise Therapy (GET), and recover.
I was shocked when I heard, but all I had to do was Google his name to find proof, I also found some deeply troubling papers that he had written about ME. This man is partially responsible for the NHS treating ME as a psychosomatic disorder, despite the fact that ME is defined as Neurological by the World Health Organisation. How he, and his colleagues can do this, in the face of current research that proves that people with ME have specific defects at a cellular level (plus other science stuff I don’t understand), I just don’t know. I don’t know what his agenda is.
When I met him, I had no idea that from his point of view, I was a psychiatric patient. I felt like he believed me, that’s why I heaped so much praise on him, but seemingly, he only believed, that I believed, that I had a ‘real/physical illness’. So when we spoke, was he simply playing along, indulging my so called fantasy? I feel manipulated. I can only assume that he never brought up his psychosomatic model of ME during our appointment because he knew I had already been referred to Astley Aisnlie Hospital, and assumed they would use CBT and GET to treat me – they did not. They did use CBT, but as a tool to help me cope with my life-changing diagnosis, and I stated at my first appointment that I would not take part in GET, and they were fine with that.
I found this out in February, and I’m still reeling from it. He was nice to me, he treated me kindly, he was charming. But there’s no hiding from the truth now, his professional stance is completely behind the psychological model that states ME is not a physical illness, and that our symptoms could be removed if we wanted it enough. From now on I will research every doctor I see, so I won’t make the same mistake again.
We had some wonderfully snowy weather at the beginning of March. While other people had to deal with closed schools and blocked roads, I just stayed cosy in my cottage and admired the view out the window and wished I was well enough to go out and play in it. Something funny though, I had a few people ask me if I was ok, if I was managing ok being stuck inside due to the snow. This was really kind, it’s nice to be remembered, but, for me, the snow made no difference, at all. I’m always stuck indoors. I have been since mid-2015, when my ME worsened and made me mainly housebound. I was no more stuck inside with the snow, than I am when there’s no snow. But I rarely get asked how I cope with being stuck indoors when it’s ‘just’ due to my illness. Interesting.
I have wanted to to try acupuncture for a while. I’m not normally one for alternative therapies, but I felt that the anecdotal evidence for acupuncture in the treatment of migraines was strong enough to give it a shot.
Initially I had hoped I could get this treatment on the NHS. It’s not something I would have normally considered (getting on the NHS), except I had read the Scottish Good Practice Statement on ME. These are the guidelines that NHS Scotland use for the treatment of ME, and they actively recommend acupuncture as a treatment for migraines in people with ME. So I asked my GP, and she contacted NHS Borders to ask if this is something they would fund. They would not, unless I attended the pain management programme at the BGH (Borders General Hospital) Pain Clinic.
I actually met with one of the Pain Clinic doctors early-2017 and he told me that the only thing he could offer me was this ten week, weekly, pain management programme. I would have to attend an exercise based workshop once a week at the BGH. He was actually fairly well informed about ME, and he advised that this course would be unsuitable for me, due to the exercise based approach, and the fact that I’d have to make the journey to the BGH every week for ten weeks, which is just not do-able for me. He also told me that acupuncture was not available on the NHS, this was before I had read the Scottish Good Practice Statement, and I believed him.
So, NHS Borders have denied me funding for an officially recommended treatment, that could help me, unless I attend a course that would cause me harm, a course that I was advised not to do by the actual doctor who runs it. Bonkers, I know.
After finding funding for it elsewhere, I then began my search for a private acupuncturist who could do home visits. I found someone from Borders Chiropractic and he comes to my home every Monday. It’s too soon, and there have been too many variables (on and off Amitriptyline, Bupropion etc) the last couple of months, to say if it’s having an effect. I do find the actual appointment very relaxing, and twice so far I have spent the rest of the day (after the appointment) feeling better than I have for ages. I want to give it at least six months before I make my evaluation.
In the last couple of months I successfully applied for a Blue Badge, which means I (my mum, me as the passenger) can now use designated disabled parking spaces. I hardly go anywhere, so it won’t get used much, but it’s really useful for hospital appointments. The BGH is huge (as are most hospitals), and every appointment involves too much walking, so now I don’t go without my wheelchair. Having the extra space around the car for folding and unfolding my wheelchair is great, I can faff around without worrying about being hit by a car, that’s always a good thing. Of course being able to park close to the hospital also helps with my overall energy usage. The process of getting the Blue Badge was unpleasant, but it was through my local council, so it wasn’t as bad as dealing with the DWP. Stuff like this is always disheartening though, when I have to defend my need for support as a chronically ill/disabled person, I feel as though I have been reduced to a list of symptoms on a form and how they affect me, it’s never a pleasant experience.
I had a really positive appointment with a new neurologist. He was surprisingly, although I still say this cautiously, helpful. He seemed sensitive in regards to ME, no eye rolling, no disparaging remarks, no (obvious) disbelief. He acknowledged that a lot of my symptoms are neurological, and are indicative of both ME and/or MS. Next step, an MRI of my brain and spinal cord. I’m pleased that he wants an MRI of my spinal cord. Since I read about a small study regarding the improvement of severe ME symptoms following surgical treatment of cervical spinal stenosis, I’ve been wondering if this could be an issue for me, the MRI will let me know. It will also be really interesting to find out if I do have inflammation of my brain and spinal cord, which would be the ‘Encephalomyelitis’ of Myalgic Encephalomyelitis. Although some do disagree about the appropriateness of this name for the illness. The ME Association, for example, prefer Myalgic Encephalopathy, with ‘Encephalopathy’ meaning damage or malfunction of the brain, as opposed to inflammation. Whatever he finds, it’s good to have a proactive Neurologist, who plans to follow up and see me again whatever the outcome of the MRI, he wants to help alleviate my suffering, whatever the cause.
*If this stuff grosses you out (but why?!) then maybe skip this bit. This is also your warning that I may be stepping into ‘too much information’ territory, so if you don’t want ‘too much information’, don’t read it!
My bladder symptoms returned with a vengeance in February so I’ve been referred to a new Urologist. I’d put this off as the symptoms had lessened, and Urologists aren’t much fun, they like to do invasive bladder procedures, obviously. This may be way too much information, but, why not (I used to be so private, but now I couldn’t care less). Back when my period was really bad, I bought a menstrual cup in the hope it would handle the heaviness of my period, I also liked the idea for environmental reasons, much better to buy one product that I can use every month for ten years, than multiple products per period that end up in landfill. I found out unfortunately, that for some reason, my bladder does not like having a menstrual cup next door to it. Each time I tried it, my bladder symptoms were exacerbated. So I gave up, until a few months ago. I dug out the menstrual cup, sterilised it, and tried again, and that’s what triggered the return of my bladder symptoms. So, I wonder what the Urologist will make of that. I think my pelvic floor muscle is knackered, it’s the only thing that I can think of that, literally, connects all this stuff. I’ve also developed some other new issues surrounding my period. Not only can I not use a menstrual cup, I now experience pain when using tampons, but my period is far too heavy to not use tampons, pads alone are just useless for me.
I’m wondering if my Endometriosis is back. It was almost two years ago when I had surgery and the Endometriosis was cauterised, but it can grow back, the only way to know though, is with more surgery. If my ME wasn’t such a massive and annoying complication I would ideally like a Hysterectomy. I’ve been asking for one since I was sixteen, I have no need for a uterus as I have known since I was a teenager that I didn’t want to have children. But, given how my ME has reacted to hormonal birth control (permanent relapses both times), there is a risk that a Hysterectomy, and the compulsory Hormone Replacement Therapy, could cause another severe and permanent relapse. There’s just no way of knowing what would happen, and a Hysterectomy is of course irreversible, so it would be a huge gamble. I’m also considering Endometrial Ablation, it sounds a bit scary, permanently disfiguring my uterus, but it could be a good compromise. It would make my period lighter and shorter, or even better, it could eliminate it altogether.
Given these particular sets of symptoms seem to be intertwined somewhat, what I really need is to see a Urologist and a Gynaecologist in the same room at the same time, but for some reason that’s just not possible. Apparently modern medicine believes that human bodies are made up of separate parts that never interact.
Fundraising For ME Research
I’ve had some family and a friend do some fundraising for ME research again this year!
My brother-in-law John is running to raise money for Invest In ME Research! He ran the Stirling marathon on 29th April and will run two half marathons in Edinburgh and Alloa on 27th May and 3rd June. His goal is to raise £2500 and at £1932.40 he doesn’t have far to go! You can make a donation here.
My friend Paul walked the Northumberland Coastal Challenge (26.2 miles) on 7th May to raise money for ME Research UK! His goal was £250 which he exceeded by raising £330! You can still make a donation here.
In March my niece Amelia (with help from her mummy/my sister Emma), hosted an afternoon tea on the Mother’s Day weekend to raise money for Invest In ME Research and her gym, Astro Gymnastics. She raised £403.34 in total, so £201.67 for each charity!
My mum, for the second time, donated her birthday, which happens to fall on International ME Awareness Day, to Invest In ME Research! She threw a huge party and asked for donations only, no gifts or cards. She’s still to receive some donations but it looks like she’ll have raised around £1000!
Many thanks to John, Paul, Amelia, Emma, my mum and everyone who donated. Every penny that goes to Invest In ME Research and ME Research UK goes directly into biomedical research, which is the only hope we have to find a cure.
I’m very happy to announce that I am now officially part of the #MEAction Scotland team!
The MEAction Network, co-founded by Unrest Director Jennifer Brea, is a worldwide ME patient advocacy group fighting for health equality for ME. The focus is on empowering patients to take action to improve the research and treatment situation, through local affiliate groups in countries around the world.
My involvement is with our public Facebook page, currently called Millions Missing Scotland, but we hope to soon change the name to #MEAction Scotland. The purpose of this page is to communicate about ME events, activities and news to our followers, and to provide a platform for sharing information about things happening in Scotland. I’m an administrator for the page and will be/have been posting ME related articles, research and news to the page. Basically, the ME news that I’ve been sharing publicly on my own Facebook page, I will now be sharing on the Millions Missing Scotland (soon to be #MEAction Scotland) Facebook page. I urge anyone who likes to read what I post on my own page, in regards to ME news, please do like and follow our page. We want this page to be Scotland’s hub of ME related news. Everything relevant to our illness; fundraising, petitions, research, etc, will all be shared here.
We also have a closed Facebook group called #MEAction Scotland. The group is a community, to get ME advocates in the same place to share ideas and get people involved in ME advocacy. You need to join the group (by request) to be able to post and read other people’s posts. It’s a great place to share ideas and brainstorm about fundraising events, or anything related to ME advocacy. You don’t have to have ME to join the group, our healthy allies are just as important in our advocacy efforts.
ME Awareness Month and #MillionsMissing
May is International ME Awareness Month, with ME Awareness Day falling on May 12th, which was Florence’s Nightingale’s birthday, who reportedly suffered from ME herself.
We have had a lot of press coverage this month. In particular, in response to the new BBC Newsbeat documentary M.E. and Me (available on BBC iPlayer and YouTube) and also in anticipation of the 100+ #MillionsMissing protests that took place globally on Saturday 12th May.
Press coverage is good, but I’ve actually been really disappointed in a lot of the articles I’ve seen. So many start off well, but the reporter then rounds the story off with incorrect details that they’ve clearly found online, such as ‘the recommended treatments are CBT and GET’, with no word that these are actually dangerous and are not based on evidence. I’ve only seen one article (The Canary – see link below in the News section) correctly identify the main symptom of ME. They almost all say that the main symptom of ME is being extremely tired, or something along those lines, but never the actual main symptom – the abnormal response to exertion. Or they use ‘Chronic Fatigue’ in the headline, but then refer to it as ME in the article. This results in people conflating the neuro-immune illness ME, with the symptom Fatigue, which is exactly what we need to be moving away from.
These articles, even with only one error, don’t do us any good. People who don’t know otherwise will read them and go away believing that we have safe treatment options and that we’re just tired. What if these people are on the review team for the NICE guidelines, or are in any way involved with decision making for the support, funding and treatment of ME? Or what if they’re just normal people who are one day presented with a petition to sign, or a campaign to fund for biomedical research? Well, they’ll look the other way, because as far as they’re concerned, based on those many articles they read, we’re already sorted, we have treatments and we don’t need their help.
I see other people with ME celebrating the press coverage, while seemingly not releasing that most of it is harming us. As long as this continues I don’t see anything changing. So what we need to do is comment on these articles, or contact the reporter directly, and put them right. Be polite, thank the reporter for the article, but inform them of the errors, and how those errors impact on people with ME. Then hopefully they’ll be encouraged to continue writing about us, but with the truth.
I was unable to attend the Edinburgh #MillionsMissing protest. Initially because I had hoped to go my mum’s fundraising party that day, but actually I was unable to attend either, making it a pretty miserable day for me. On the one day of the year that people with ME become that bit less invisible, I felt more invisible than ever.
Thankfully though, I was able to watch the events in Edinburgh as they were streamed live via Facebook! The opening speech was especially moving, and rousing, it made me sob, and it made me angry, as it should, it should make everyone angry. I also really liked this line from a poem read in the second clip (after Stuart Murdoch’s speech, about 26 mins in). “So you think I’m looking well. Thank you. But in return I’ll say. My brain and nervous system, aren’t usually on display.”. I think I’ll keep that for whenever I’m told I’m looking well. 😉
Here are some clips from the event, for those who would like to watch.
In this clip there’s the introductory speech by Gerry Farrell, laying of the final shoes and a crowd photo for the press attending.
In this clip Stuart Murdoch, lead singer of Belle & Sebastian, speaks to the huge crowd (at 17 mins in). Sing in the City Choir perform, and people read stories and poems of their lives with ME.
In this clip MP Carol Monaghan speaks (at 31 mins in), Sing in the City Choir perform again, and more powerful stories and poems are read by and for people with ME.
In this clip Emma Shorter, co-founder of #MEAction Scotland, speaks (at 15 mins in) and leads a mass lie down in the precinct with shoppers and passers-by seeing hundreds of bodies on the ground. And the band Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing perform.
Many thanks to #MEAction Scotland for organising this incredible event, all the volunteers, an incredible effort by people with ME and our healthy allies. Thank you to all the speakers and performers. Thank you to everyone who attended. And thank you to the wonderful volunteer who live-streamed these clips for those of us unable to be there.
I often have people ask what they can do to help me. Well, this is it, this is what would help me. Please sign and share this petition. Every signature brings us closer to the goal of effective treatment and care for people with ME in Scotland, and beyond.
We are calling on the Scottish Parliament to urge the Scottish Government to review the level of support for people with ME in Scotland with a view to:
- Investing in biomedical research and creating a centre of excellence for ME
- Ensuring healthcare professionals’ training and education materials reflect the latest scientific evidence
- Providing specialist care for patients and discontinuing the harmful treatments graded exercise therapy (GET) and cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT).
The deadline is 31st May and we need as many signatures as possible by then. You do not have to be Scottish or living in Scotland to sign!
Please Sign and Share!
Watch our video to find out more!
Upcoming Blog Posts
Like I said earlier, I have many partially written blog posts, some of them I began writing over a year ago! Most of what you read here takes me weeks or months to write, I tend to dip in and out as and when I feel motivated and well enough.
If you’re wondering what’s to come, these are the subjects that I’ve been thinking of addressing…
- A hugely significant reanalysis and evaluation of the discredited PACE Trial was published in March this year and it had an enormous impact. I began a post about this the same day, but have been too unwell to complete it. Soon, I hope.
- Unsolicited advice, specifically, unsolicited medical advice – it’s the worst.
- My experience of Ableism. It’s everywhere.
- Hobbies, what I can and can’t do to occupy my time – how having ME has changed this.
- How I cope with the isolation that living with severe ME brings – not very well.
- Surprising things about ME – surprising symptoms and surprising ways in which my symptoms affect me.
- My experience of ME awareness amongst medical professionals – it’s not good.
- My experience of claiming disability benefits – it’s really not good.
- Future employment options. What will I do should I be well enough to work again one day?
- What chronic illness has done to my friendships – some strengthened, some distanced, some gone.
- My depression and anxiety, in more depth – I’m honest about my ME, so why not my mental health?
- The difference between being tired and having ME – lots of differences, they are not the same thing.
- Hypersensitivity – one of the weirder symptoms I suffer from and it’s possibly the hardest to explain to other people – yes, the rustling sound of that plastic bag actually causes me pain.
Do you have any ideas for future posts? If there is anything you would like me to write about, I make no promises, but I’m happy to receive your suggestions!
The (Australian) Guardian. To the #MillionsMissing with ME/CFS, something remarkable is happening.
The Canary. On Saturday ‘millions’ of ‘missing’ people will reappear for the day.
The Scotsman. Belle and Sebastian singer Stuart Murdoch on coping with ME.
Health Rising. Stanford Exercise Study Shows Different Immune Response in Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (ME/CFS)
The ME Association. A misunderstood disease wrongly labelled make-believe by some GPs is more devastating to sufferers than multiple sclerosis, a new scientific study has found.
Health Rising. The Cortene Way: New Drug to Be Trialed in Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (ME/CFS) Soon.
The ME Association. Chronic fatigue syndrome possibly explained by lower levels of key thyroid hormones.
BMJ Journals. Markers of non-coeliac wheat sensitivity in patients with myalgic encephalomyelitis/chronic fatigue syndrome.
The New York State Department of Health update their information about ME.
The Evening Standard. Google Maps becomes more wheelchair friendly with launch of journey-planner tool for disabled people.
The Guardian. New initiative to address ticketing barriers for deaf and disabled fans.
STV News. Disabled Scots ‘will not face unnecessary medical checks’. New legislation paves the way for the creation of a new benefits regime in Scotland.